Hold On

Hold on

Don’t stop

Keep breathing

Cause…I still need you

With me

 

Found you on the floor

Covered in your blood

As I rushed to you

Screams echoed through

The silence that had brewed

She just couldn’t take it

She just couldn’t fake it

She just couldn’t make it

Anymore

So she grabbed a razor

Reached for the door

For some exit

Some way to get out

Of here

 

Hold on

Please keep breathing

Don’t go

Cause…I still need you

With me

 

I held you close & tight

Praying out loud

Wondering just how

To get through, so

I scooped you up

Held you aloft

As I ran to the car

I just couldn’t wait

Not any longer

As your breaths

You barely still squandered

 

Hold on

Breathe please

You can’t go now

Cause…I need you

With me

 

Racing against time

Racing with all speed

Your blood dripping through

The stained towels

& all over me

The proof of your short life

Dwindling down until

There was no more left

There was just a wish

A prayer & stillness

 

Hold on

Please keep breathing

Don’t go & leave me

Cause…I still need you

Stay with me Please

 

White coats & blue scrubs

They raced to tend to

What was left of my love

Now spent & ran through

A cold corpse, a limp body too

But nothing could stop them

They worked so hard at it

To bring back that life

But then the machines

Went silent

 

Hold on

GOD is she breathing

How could she

Go & leave me

Cause…I still needed her

With me

 

There were no words

Nothing left to say

Just sign the dotted line

& hope & pray

She’s gone now

Damn it why did it have to be

That she just couldn’t hold it

For any longer

Not even for me

Covered in a sheet

Toe tagged & bagged

They wheeled her away

Along with that fact

 

No more holding on

No more breathing for her

No more left

But this seething angry me

She left though I begged

She just couldn’t hear me

Why didn’t she know

I needed her

With me

 

Inspired by Music and Lyrics https://youtu.be/8ofCZObsnOo

Oxygen

oxygen came too late

her fire was snuffed out

the chains became too heavy

her burdens too tough, to bear

her walk on crumbling streets

just became too much

for her to stroll through

 

a beauty to look at

but always the

tornados, volcanos, hurricanes

in her head

when all was lost

she only had a pill bottle

through tears of a lifetime

 

she swallowed it all down

no longer pushing the pain aside

instead, she let it devour her

she laid her head back

closed her eyes

let the world go

her body fought it though

but her mind cleared

as the last breath was heard

 

she had escaped her jail

her mortal coil

but we still hold

on to her

as though

she never left

 

we make her what we want

squeeze her to fit

each desire

make her just a mirror

reflecting your fantasies

from within

 

never understood

just looked upon

“What a sad, poor thing.”

they whispered

the blind public

the fame

the pieces they pick

off you

nothing but

a smile, a beauty, a trophy

 

leave your memory be

I say

leave your sadness in the ground

I scream

she was beautiful inside and out

no one ever saw it though

not even now

so leave her spirit be

let her live on in peace

let her go

cause we just couldn’t have known

 

Quote- Marilyn

I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.

Last Week of Marriage Chapter 12

Tom watches her small figure, swallowed in darkness, walk towards the sun, to the water. His chest heaves, knowing he can’t, not now, he can’t go after her. She had said RED, and he must respect that. His fists ball, while he continues to stare, blinking against the deep orange sunlight. Her feet touch the water and his eyes pool with fear. Surely, his brain mutters over and over, surely, she wouldn’t, not now, no. His foot moves forward as his mouth opens with a silent yell that disappears in the ocean breeze.

When she’s knee level, his lungs push out every breath in his body. He feels like he’s crumpling to the ground, but he’s motionless. He quickly looks down to his bare feet, begging them to move, but his heart anchors him to the cold stones.

Tom’s eyes flash back to the ocean, she’s thigh level and he opens his dry mouth again. The breeze blows his shorts against his tight thighs. He grinds his teeth and forces his muscle to listen, moving one leg at a time, in a very long stride, across the cold stones of the patio.

His legs carry him quickly across the few feet it takes to get to the water. Salty water splashes around his calves as he runs as fast as he can towards the slim dark figure. Her hair sways in the wind. She opens her arms, she’s waist level now. “TESSA! TESSA!” His words are drowned out by the crashing waves, the sound, the pull of the sea. He takes his eyes from her for a second only to notice the dark sky approaching, and small stars beginning to blink. The sun was setting, and if he didn’t reach her before the light was gone….SHE would be GONE.

His heart races with the idea that NOW, after ALL of THIS, he would lose her to her own demons that struggle to escape their cage. He races through the strong waves to her, each step feeling like an eternity. He watches as she lets her hands ride atop the moving water. She stares to the sun, only moving with the current of the waves slipping around her. She lifts her head to the sky and he’s still feet away.

His mouth opens and releases a horrible howl as he watches her body slip and slide easily under the water. His heart beats against his bones; his blood is pumping faster than a freight train. His mind is blank, but all he knows is that he HAS to touch her now. He’s got to save her from what darkness lurks inside her, telling her she is not good enough. He’s go to get his hands on her because she is his light in the darkness, she is his savior.

Tom’s heart pounds, his blood pressure causing a roar in his ears, that along with the sea, his mind was lost in a world of sounds and emotions he couldn’t fight against. He pushes through the water, to where she… was. He dives in, the salt water burning his eyes, the sun’s orange and red glow fading fast as the darkness encroaches into the world around them. He feels the bottom of the ocean, its wet sticky sand clinging, clumping, and then falling off as he moves his arms and hands as quickly as he can against the current.

He grabs at everything, pushing away debris, clawing into the sand to fight the current. He lifts up only enough to gasp for enough air to search again. He moves his legs and arms, with his eyes burning against the salt; he searches desperately.

He grabs a dark piece of debris. He tugs hard, only to realize it is not debris but her glorious hair. OH SHIT. He pushes closer to it. He grabs at her body, securing it to his while his mind prays he got to her in time. He uses all of his might, his strength and his will to cling to her while pushing them both up out of the water. He stops for only a second to catch his breath, before stomping his way from the waves to the shower. He is on his knees when he reaches the sand, setting her down gently. He opens her mouth; blows a hot breath in, before turning her on her side and slamming his hand into her back. Hoping, praying, begging the cruelest god of all not to take her from him.

He lays her on her back again, pinching her nose, and blowing into her mouth hard. He returns to his knees, and claps his hands together for several hard pushes on her chest. He returns to her mouth, pinching and blowing, then her chest again. He screams at the irresponsible god who would allow this tragedy to happen. He pushes on her chest again, before turning her on her side, and pressing his large hand on her back. “PLEASE GOD NO! NO! I CAN’T LOSE HER! AGAIN!”  His words falling on deaf ears and he knows it because now he’s utterly alone. Without her, there would be no road back; no life well lived. It would all be for nothing.

He stares into her cold face, placing a hand on her cheek. He leans in and kisses her until she begins to cough. OH THANK YOU GOD! His mind moves as quickly as he limbs, pushing her to the side so that she can spit out the rough salt water. He pats her not so gently on the back as she empties her stomach and lungs of the water. She’s weak, cold, and only semi-conscious. But she’s ALIVE.

When she’s empty, he pulls her body to him, finally releasing a long deep breath. He had another chance, and this time, he would die rather than to ruin it. They would save each other, embracing all the darkness inside to create a world of their own. They would have each other forever, he vows it.

Tom lifts her limp, wet body and secures his arms around her, as though wrapping his wings around her. She settles in to his chest, breathing. Tom’s heart pounds with her close, pounds with relief to have his heart back with him. He steps gently as though not to rock her too much. He brings her into the hut, through to the bathroom. He adjusts her body to him while running hot bath water. He won’t let her go, not for another second in his life.

The water fills the bathroom with steam. He doesn’t bother to undress but instead climbs into the tub with her in his arms. Tom settles her body into the water slowly, watching goose bumps pop up on her beautiful, cold skin.

He lays her body on top of his, allowing the water to warm both of them, and soothing his mind with her in his arms. He strokes her hair and watches her even breathing. She’s breathing he thinks as he lays his head on the rim of the tub. He looks to the ceiling, imagining how much the evil god is laughing at him, laughing at his broken heart and his pain.

They lay there until the water begins to cool. The he manages to emerge from the tub with her still in his arms. He prays he can do that for the rest of his days, as he grabs a large towel to dry her off with. He sits on the edge of the tub with her, slowly drying each and every inch of her. He hugs her tightly before carrying her to the bed. He lays her atop of the crisp linen, moving a piece a hair away from her face before climbing in next to her.

Tom slides in behind her, leaning over to take in the smell of her wet hair. He thinks of how amazing, scarred, pained, hurt yet strong she is. He slides his arm around her, tugging her closer. He wants her near always, his skin craves it and his heart demands it. Just when he thinks she is asleep, she moans lightly, turning in his arms to his chest. She curls up next to him, clawing at his bicep before falling into a deep sleep.

And his heart swells to bursting proportion before squeezing her tightly and allowing his mind to drift to a better day and into what he hopes is a better future.

 

Read Chapter Thirteen Now

Last Week of Marriage Chapter 11

No matter how fast her mind was racing, her mouth was dry with the taste of truth seated patiently on her tongue. She takes in a deep breath, breaking eye contact. Inward her brain is speechless, but her heart pushes against her throat, causing her to reach quickly for the glass of juice close by, buying her valuable time.

Tom stands with his large hands on his bare hips. He waits patiently, knowing that it will take time for new information to sink in. He has prepared his heart and his pride for the fight to come.

Tessa turns in the stool, stepping gently on the soft hut floor. She takes a step before turning to him with tears in her eyes. “You never said that this…this kind of thing was what you wanted. How could I possibly know that you needed something I wasn’t giving, if you never said it out loud?” Her voice calm and clear, as her face contorts with genuine hurt.

Tom’s coldness melts immediately. He moves to the other side of the counter to approach her.

Tessa steps back immediately, putting her hands up in her defense.

The further makes Tom’s heart curl into a ball. The fact she would think he would cause her anything near pain made him pause with thought. Their eyes lock, both filled with tears.  “Tessa. Please. Let me hold you. Let me comfort you. Let me take your pain away.” He knows that no amount of love would dry her tears, but he would beg her on his knees just to claim those tears, wipe them from her memory and allow him to carry her pain.

“So what is it that you say I won’t give…that you so desperately need?” She turns from him stepping away slowly, afraid to face the truth of all of it. “Your need took you to some BDSM whorehouse because I wouldn’t right?” Suddenly the anger bubbles again, she turns her cold blues on him. “You left our home, our bed, our love for this NEED. Fucking name it already. Tell me, what is it like to have this…thing…this need live inside you?”

He bows his head, knowing that no words in the English language would ever sum up what he is. “Tessa, there’s no easy way…it has a lot of names, it’s hard to narrow it down. I’ve been talking with a therapist and we are sorting through it.”

“A fucking therapist! When did this start?” Her voice reaching a pitch that even causes ringing in her ears. Now there was someone else who knows what happened. Someone who knows her humiliation of her husband fucking other women because she is not enough for him. She reaches for her forehead, wishing she could bore the information out of her head.

“After you left me. What in the hell was I supposed to do? If I was to have any chance in hell to get you back, I had to talk to someone! You can’t blame me for that Tessa.” His hands outstretched in exasperation.

“I can’t believe this.” The words she spits covered in venom. “There is no limit to your humiliation is there? You insist on harming me, breaking me down, for what? So you get to make me what you want, rather than what I am?” Her chest lifts quickly, her breaths quick with questions.

Tom wipes his face with his hands, stalling, praying for the right words. “It wasn’t meant that way. I thought that maybe, if I could figure out what makes me like…this, then just maybe I could change for you.”

Another stab of pain reaches through Tessa’s armor; another crack, another chip, another reason to run, hide, and push him away. His words crushing her pride as well as dampening her anger. He would take the chance and confide in another, to change? She turns from him again, giving him no clue as to how she’s interpreting his words.

He goes to move, but stops before even starting. She didn’t need to be close to him right now. He had known her long enough to know when not to touch.  So he waits, and waits, on the edge, clinging to the hope, the wish.

She paces slowly, before turning back to him. “You want me to be like THEM. You want me to what…follow your orders You need that?” The words drip from her plump lips. They fly at him, hanging in the air.

“I want you to be you.”

“I don’t feel like me. I have never felt like me with you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like me, not even with me.” She walks passed him to the edge of the hut, staring into the glow of the sunset, the blues bleeding, like her heart, into the reds, the orange glow, swirling together. Her eyes move to the ever flowing waves. They touch the sand, landing a sweet kiss on it, before pushing away only to return again, much like her marriage. Her marriage, what a sad story, the dream couple who can’t come together but seem to keep grasping at strings, and scars, so many scars. Her body may not hold one scar, one imperfection, but her soul was covered with them. And with Tom, she had hoped to find her heart a home, but again, as such in her life, she was betrayed.

So with her mind in turmoil, her barriers cracked, bleeding, oozing the pain she’s withheld for months, she turns to him, with the sun upon her back creating an angelic glow. “Tom, I am not a half way person, never have been. This is in or out time. Either we are married and completely committed in every way, or we are divorced and you can keep fucking those women at the club.  It’s your choice, it always has been.” A tear rolls down her pale cheek. Her face is hot. She’s thrown down the gauntlet, question is, will he pick it up?

Tom’s stance changes immeasurably, but he knows she sees it. She sees the anger of the ultimatum. The anger she has tempted to come forth and reveal the truth. He stalks to her, dark and predatory. “I. DO. NOT. F…”

“Oh yeah, the party line.” Her mouth runs off without her brain intact. “Shut up.”

He stops immediately, as though she has punched him in the balls.

“Shut the fuck up for once.” She spreads her legs, placing a hand on each hip. “You just can’t do it can you? You can’t take what you have so fucking clearly in front of you! You have to have it all, all the whores, all the whips and chains, and every fucking thing you want. Fuck the rest of the world, as long as Tom gets exactly, to the tee, what he wants.”

“No. NO.” He shakes his head furiously, stepping, inching closer to her, desperate to make her see and understand. “Tessa, no.”

She backs away off the soft floor of the hut, onto the cold stones of the patio. She steps again, finding the soft cool stone begin to simmer the bubbling of conflict within her. If she had a knife she would slice this pain out, just to see the evidence of her existence. Tears are freely rolling when she looks back at Tom. Her face is eerily serene. Her mouth opens, and he moves to her. She raises her hands quickly, not in defense, but as a motion like a stop light.

“Red.” Her whispery voice barely audible over the crashing waves just mere feet behind her. “RED.”

He knows the word all too well. Many a night he had squeezed that word from a pliable, compliant submissive at the club. It was a hard NO. It was a STOP NOW. IT WAS THE ULTIMATE NO GO. He has no choice but to freeze, to let her walk away from him, AGAIN. He watches as she turns towards the sun, the glow so evident to him, but her body now bathed in darkness. His chin trembles, forcing his body to stay still, as she takes small steps to the ocean.

The warm, wet sand feels like an embrace with every step. Usually, she hates the sand, but on this evening, it was a treat to really FEEL it. She had been stripped raw, mentally and physically. All these years, kept in a body, a fashion for others, never really feeling what she really is. She slides her toes into the lapping water of the oncoming waves. The coolness lights up her frayed nerves, she watches it with the closing in darkness approaching, move back and forth. She lifts her eyes to the retreating red sun, she moves into the water, pulling at the strings of her robe with every step. She stares at the sun, hypnotized, called, summoned by the sound of the waves around her. She feels the water reach her knees, and she pushes her feet into the sand further out. She grabs at the robe, tossing it into the rough, salt water, as she pushes into the water thigh level. The sun dips into the horizon, the red color clashing against the blue sky, now turning dark gray. Tears fall and she reaches waist level, the waves crashing against her body, making it sway with the current. She watches the sun disappear, until she is weightless and floating. She gasps as she begins to sink. She squeezes her eyes shut before opening her mouth allowing salt water to fill it and flood her throat, her esophagus, trachea, her lungs. As her heart struggles, she lets go, the images flash slowly…Tom’s face…their wedding day…the day she found out she couldn’t have children…her pain…she watches each moment…each lost moment…the kisses…the love…the caresses….they all flash, as she gives into the darkness and she just… lets… go.

 

Read Chapter Twelve Now